I Make Myself Known

I once heard that the best way to start off any speech or essay is with a question, so let me ask you:

Have you taken Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior yet?

I'm not exactly sure I get why you're supposed to ask a question, but there it is, and we're already off to a stellar start.

I was born to a Norse God and Mother Earth in the year of our Lord One-thousand nine-hundred eighty-four. By the tender age of 3 I had already written my first webpage using a combination of wit, brawn, and FORTRAN. I routed the site into the homes of every computer using a mash-up of bitwise shifting, Ajax (the solvent, not the buzzword), the Apriori algorithm, and the soul of Charles Babbage to create the data lines necessary for the dissemenation of what we now call the Internet.

Five years would pass before the first message board would scream in all capital letters "WTF n00b?" I would answer with a resounding "ROFL" when I really meant to "LOL" (a common mistake now, but back then a mark of the novice). What would bring my skillset into the forefront of four storefronts for the purpose of not fronting? Well, if you must ask, a kaleidoscope of approaches to the common question: what is the meaning of the Information Superhighway?

First, I taught myself the basic principles of programming (always wait until the last minute and only take clients with a limited knowledge of the technologies you're using) using the Microsoft C++ compiler (v6). Once I entered the halls of the fine institution of public education's final step, high school, I took part in a variety of classes where I learned (the greatest language of all-time) VisualBasic as well as increased my skills (+7 programming) in C++.

I then moved on to the next logical step after acheiving a 4 on the AP Programming test, entering college as a Political Science major.

It took me a small fortune and 4 years to realize the fruits of that dream, but in the chill (both in the sense of weather and stoner-culture slang) winter of 2006 I realized that my future in the politics of science (or science of politics, it was never quite clear) was feeble and changed to what many, to this very day, consider the best decision ever made for the sake of humanity: entered the most prestigious computer science programming in America, if not the world, the Rowan University College of Liberal Arts and Sciences Bachelor of Computer Science Degree Program. It was there that I made my way half-asleep and fully hungover to acheive a GDP of 3.3 stars out of 4.

Now a graduate of that fine institution and a student of graduate studies at the Stevens Institute of technology. I spend my days as an employee of the United States of America, doing data mining and database/server management. My current project is a mix of SkyNet and HAL 9000. The purpose is to systematically find the weak-minded and physically weak and slowly weed them out of society. I'm sure the literally 10s of you reading this biography right now are wondering if this project is serious and I ask you, "Would your government really do something not in your best interest?" And, further, "Would I really write all of this biography, only interspersing actual facts, just for the sheer enjoyment of ridiculousness?" Well let me, a semi-Jewish man, answer you with a question, friend:

Have you you taken Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior yet?

Thank you.